Sunday, 31 May 2009

The problem with Hibernation

What is it with me and Hibernation days!! Am I the only one who has them? Am I going off my head? Or is it perfectly normal to suddenly feel the urge to step off the world for a while and get lost in selfish hedonistic nothingness and indulgent wastage of time!! From as far back as I can remember, hibernation days have featured somewhere in my life; usually on weekends, bank holidays or those fly sick days you pool from work once in a while. I’d sleep late, have a long breakfast with at least 10 huge cups of coffee, and spend the day net surfing, watching TV or some tacky Hindi film, or perhaps a book if I was feeling extra optimistic. I’d munch loads of chocolate, listen to music and get lost in memories. Not all of the days are useless though! A day spent in hard core work can still count as a hibernation day, providing you stay in your PJs all day, eat junk food and are generally detached from life outside! From the outset, it perhaps seems like a reasonable concept; a way to recharge batteries and take time out for yourself, but what scares me is the frequency at which my body and soul crave those hibernation days, and the form the detachment is taking! When I became ill a few years ago, I slowly became aware that I was eating more, sleeping allot and losing my confidence as I watched my levels of productivity fading away. All my energy went in to surviving, keeping work ticking over and just about keeping my head above water, that by the time I reached home, I’d claps in a heap, and remain there for the rest of the night! Thus began my cut-off from friends, family and others close to me, my frequent Emails dwindled away, and friends began to question me on what I’d done to offend them, as I wasn’t returning calls, Emails etc. I started to feel guilty about this; after all, I have many acquaintances, but those who are truly close to me are few and far between, what had they done to warrant such freaky and selfish behaviour from me. I would then drift out of hibernation, to spurts of random activity!! I’d start cleaning a room, only to leave it half way, I’d draft Emails, and either send the half written ramblings or else leave them lurking forever in my drafts! I’d text my friends, figuring that a sms is more personable than an Email, though not quite as taxing as a call!! Its something to do with speaking, communicating, when I am hibernating, clouds hang over my head, and a cocoon of “me” encircles my being, not allowing room for any one else. I’ve justified this over the years by reading psychology books, saying that it’s a constant feature for survivors, its nature’s way of heeling and invigorating the spirit to face the world again etc, but deep down, I do know that it is totally unreasonable. I worry that I’ll wake up one day and find myself completely alone, only to realise too late that I’ve let those I love and care for the most slip through my fingers without even noticing my own heedlessness. The worst part is, I know that my life can be something else! Hibernation days didn’t feature so frequently in my past, and when I was in London, I developed a routine of sorts while staying with Rubab; waking up at a decent time, forcing myself out of bed despite the headaches; having breakfast, and getting a few hours of work in before lunch. Rubab and I share a synchronisation that very few blood relatives are even blessed to share; she is definitely the sister I’ve been searching for, but I don’t tell her this often enough, I’m sure she has no idea how important she is to me, and how she restores my faith in myself. I don’t spend half the time with Masooma and Anees that I used to, Masooma even questioned me on this just after I came back from London, as only she can! ‘”why you getting wide Rosher!”, a good question; as I hibernate, the weight piles on, (hence getting wide is quite accurate really!), and detachment, no matter how brief, can only lead to further detachment in the longer term. As I prepare for work tomorrow, I pray that I can drag myself out of this pit of sloth, after all, there is no real explanation; I’m not depressed, not sad or mourning any thing specific, and my health, while bad, has been allot worse than this, so what the hell is wrong with me! Any tips for immerging from Hibernation will be much appreciated; (after all, the sunshine rarely shines on Scotland, and today more than ever I feel its exposing my inactivity!).
… Any way, time to go now; there is a paratha with mango achaar calling my name!

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