Wednesday, 24 June 2009

life in limbo

So our conference on Monday was successful, interesting, thought provoking, yet hot, tiring and very, very, very long!! The day began for me at 6 AM, that gave me long enough to wake up, take my drugs and allow for any throwing up which might have been needed as a result of downing the drugs so early. Then a hot shower, wash and style my hair, deliberate over what would be suitable yet cool to ware for the long hot day, some light breakfast, a few more drugs which need to be taken after food, and then get myself to the venue in question. I as there by 8.30, to set up for a press conference which no one but no one had the good grace to attend, or the conscience to inform me of their intention not to do so. Then there was the set-up of the room, Monday morning chat, the gathering of the clans (members), and finally the AGM, which started too late and dragged on too long owing to poor organisation. A good lunch was had by all, but by the time the afternoon session commenced at 1.30, the room had reached a critical temperature, the air and creativity was zapped from the room and a dull throbbing in my head began, which started at the edges, and then slowly penetrated through my chest and joints making each and every part of me ache. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I landed up perched next to the most loud, ignorant and annoying of our directors, (who shall remain nameless, but answers on a postcard!). I gave up after a while, grabbed the only jug of cold water and took it, and the pedestal fan to a corner by the window, one arm draped across the window sill, the other hugging the fan! That said, the presentation from the information commissioners office was truly wonderful! His passion and in-depth practical knowledge of his subject was both motivational and inspirational. People seemed to enjoy the day, and got well engaged in the debate afterwards, which by far should have ran on longer than the hot air gaps which seemed to proceed all that took place! We all got a good debriefing afterwards too, but there was something in the room that seemed to suck the life out of me. When I reached home, I changed my clothes, freshened up and dissolved in a heap on the bed, falling fast asleep and was barely able to open my eyes again till last night! I hate living like this, just scrapping by from one day to the next, with no direction, no energy, and even if I have a plan of action, I rarely find the strength and mental agility to carry it out on days like that. Needless to say, I was not at work yesterday, I heard nothing back about the job interview last week, and missed the last part of the women’s course I had been attending. Zuhair wrote something wonderful on his blog about how pain killers had affected him when he’d been forced to take a cocktail of drugs back at the beginning of May. I’m sure the poor guy has been struck down by nazr like me, not least because his scans thus far have revealed nothing. Its great that he is posting again, it’s the only insight I have to his world now, and the medication post just gave me that quiet, comfortable assurance that when all else fails, I am not the only one, and sometimes that is all you need. On the other hand (from one Z to another!), Zahid rang me from Karachi, he is back from Bangladesh, sparkling and idealistic as always, pleased with the seminars he held there. The Karachi heat and load shedding seem to be getting to him though; his one track mind rather ran away with him at frequent junctures during our talks, and he went on to remind me, (at least 4 times!), on how my life has become stuck in a rut!! Nice!! Just the encouragement, hope and energy I needed! There is an add for BT internet these days that shows the consequences of one’s life spiralling out of control. I relate to it so much when I watch it, but not because I can’t manage the buzz any more, rather because there is no buzz to manage!! The rishta I saw on Saturday was worse than awful, Reza is backing off (at least, I feel so), and the Birmingham stocker persists! While Zuhair’s rant on meds soothed me on one side, it took violently from the other, (a promising relationship? Huh? What happened there!), the last time we talked, he stressed his inability to contemplate relationships just now, which hurt like all hell, but I accepted the inevitable, trying to hide my pain and praying this would raise me in his eyes, but another relationship? I have my suspicions, but as the 1st July looms, its opened up a whole new can of worms, (or perhaps what I really mean is an old one that I’ve never been able to, or have never desired to shut down over the last 2 years), I don’t know if I love Zuhair, or if it is the constant preoccupation with what I can’t have that keeps me hanging on, but life is empty without him, and if only for one moment, I’d love to feel what it was like to shine out in the surroundings of his love and belief in me. Back in the real world, I’m still in Paisley, its hot, humid and miserable, its lunch time, I need chocolate, my eyebrows need threading, and I need news on this God dam job so badly it hurts!

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