Thursday, 25 June 2009

the verdict!

You guessed right; I didn’t get it!! Exactly a week after the interview, as I sit at my desk, wearing the same clothes I wore that day, and pestering colleagues at GCIL to tell me the verdict. I bothered them since morning, till my anxiousness must have reached their HR dept, and as an afterthought, she took it upon herself to Email me the rejection letter! I mean, couldn’t that all have been done on Monday? I am gutted about it, as I now realise that subconsciously, I had allot riding on this job!! It was a way out, an escape from the current work situation I find myself in, and having to face the boss in question should he return. That said, if I look at my career to date, too much of it has been about flipping hopelessly from one disaster till the next, and my fear is that I won’t break this cycle till the temporary supports I’ve built around me come crashing in around me; my home, my work, my personal life, every thing. Its ironic, yet significant, that on the 1st of Rajab, and the first Thursday of rajab too, (such a blessed and auspicious day), that brings this news to me. It might hurt a little, (well OK, it hurts allot!), but it reminds me of Imam Ali (A.S), and his reminder that one should be extremely careful what one prays/wishes for, as those very things might be granted to you! I can’t forget how intensely I desired this job last year!! I was so certain that it would bring me the professional contentment and satisfaction I had been craving! Now, 8 months on, the result of that craving is before your eyes! I need to use rajab, and in particular my ziyarat trip to seriously contemplate what in the world I am doing with my existence right now. Too many survivors accept the chaos that dictates their every move; few of them break the pattern! I am not unrealistic about life as it is; I don’t expect the earth to move and all to change, but I need to regain something of the energy that used to single me out, so that when muherram comes around again, I can face my imam with at least a handful of deeds that make me worthy of performing his ziyarat, and offering him my azadari. Please, remember me in your duas, today is a dark, yet a deep day for me.

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