Monday, 28 September 2009

The Story so far!

So ramadhan came and went, like a beautiful guest who one was just getting to know, but who scuttled off in a puff of pure light before we got too familiar! Each ramadhan, I trundle out an old grundig shortwave radio (analogue), in order to listen to the radio Ramadhan broadcasts! It sits on a shelf in the bedroom and chats away to me while I work on the computer, take a bath or clean around the house. The radio was the vehicle that brought me to Islam via the ramadhan transmissions, and its so much a part of me I take for granted it will just work from one year to the next! I dust off the year long stoor and there you have it; another month-long friendship! Yesterday, while dusting, I put the radio back in the cupboard in the utility room for another year, and had a moment where my blood ran cold, as I wondered if that radio and I would be together next year; one can’t expect to be here from one ramadhan to the next!! So many people left us this year: Narjiss, Auntie Nasreen, Imran Sabir and little Amena, and this doesn’t become any easier, no matter how much time passes by!

So ramadhan left us, bringing the fragrance of eid in her wake! Eid was a bit odd this year; Rizwana and Bushra’s Grandfather past away on eid day, so no one felt much like celebrating. Despite his age, and recent ill health, he had been relatively stable recently, and the death came as a shock to all of us! It was made worse by yet more “wahabi issues!”. This one is worthy of a post on its own, but in short, one of the suni “imams” at Glasgow central mosque, gave a detailed khudba after tarawi prayers, branding all the shia as “kafir”, this meant we could not use the masjid for ghusl, nor for reading the jinaza, thus causing great confusion and limiting the numbers who could attend over at Alkhudah Islamic centre, not to mention causing never ending stress and anguish for an already upset set of relations!
We attended the jinaza, and made our way through the wind and rain to Narjiss’s grave. We placed flowers there, read Fatiha, and spent a few minutes reflecting on the gap she has left in our lives. Sometimes I just want to lay on her grave and cry and ask her why she had to leave us, but flowers of jannah have to return to their heavenly home, in order that they can bloom with ever lasting beauty; not to be found in this world!
At night we all had eid dinner in “big house”, every one was pretty upset and it wasn’t a happy occasion, but we made it as homely as we could for little Zara; In some ways, I think it was a relief to have the first eid done and dusted.

The week that followed was brighter; we had a nice eid dinner at Anees’s, and me, Mas and Neesi had dinner at Nandos on Wednesday for my birthday, but all the work and late nights left me drained out by Thursday, my body was breaking and I simply couldn’t juggle it all. I know that part of this is my new medication, but its largely due to the stress that I know I am still feeling, all be it subconsciously, regarding the boss’s return!
He so far has submitted sick lines till the 6th October, so in short, I’ve a week to hand in my notice, and as yet, no prospect of any other work!
It terrifies me, and I think the fear was largely what lead to a few days hibernation this weekend. As I’ve said many times before, switching off brings its own problems; you detach so much you don’t want to deal with normal life, or else the fear just builds and builds, meaning that not much recharging takes place in reality! The bulk of the weekend went like this; I am 27, doped up on medication, my hair is falling out, I am overweight, unable to get married, (the marriage thing was the result of a rejection by some one else, that I’ve still not got myself over even though it happened in July!).

So, you can see why I don’t want to blog much; I pity the poor **** who actually reads this!
Well; as Zuhair always says; with time comes certainty, and I need to just lay back and live as a mushroom; (you know, living in the dark, till some one showers some crap over you!), oh, and what doesn’t kill you, will only land you up in a mental institution! It really is that easy! Razorblades, any one?

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

The verdict, and other assorted sorrows

My resolve to blog more regularly, with pictures, feelings and fun has fast fallen by the wayside!! There is allot I want to say, allot I could say, but somehow the negative seems to outway the positive, so why the hell would I want to share it? (well what the hell I’m sharing it now).

Last week, the “good ship Inclusion Scotland” (joke!), took ourselves to the Independent Living in Scotland exhibition!! Despite the fact that this exhibition has run every 2 years for the last 15 or so years, I’d never heard of it or been to it in my life!! While mobility scooters and other private sector paraphernalia took up way too much space, it was actually considerably more useful than I expected it to be!! The best part was we got loads of members signed up to the organisation, and our £10 investment in to marketing tools more than paid us back!! I was supposed to only be working there on Wednesday, as Thursday was my first meeting of the hospital waiting times board, but due to the crowd volume at our stand, I was asked to skip it and do Thursday as well! I turned up all bright eyed and bushy tailed, only to be met by a shell shocked Donna, who informed me we had lost the hearing against the manager from hell!! That’s right; my verdict has arrived; they have thrown my case out against him due to lack of evidence. In short, the grievance, the stress over submitting it and the living nightmare of the last year all counted for nothing. Worse still, he is due back to work next Monday!! All that day, I had to sell our organisation and try to steady my nerves just enough to insure I didn’t burst out roaring and crying in front of the assembled visitors!
Part of me was intensely angry at myself for not emotionally preparing myself for this potential outcome, but we were all so sure that we would get the result we know we deserved, and because the directors were for the most part behind me, I let myself drift in to a false sense of security, believing that somehow things would be OK!! I spent the day after at home, licking my woonds, crying; unable to speak. Saturday was laylatil qadr, and although I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and die, friends persuaded me to get up and get on with it!! First, I had to attend a radio interview at radio Awaz, to promote the book launch on the 5th October (whole other story), it went better than expected though, and gave me the boost needed to get the amaal of the sacred night done in a good way!! I slept at 4 AM, at peace in duties well done!! On Sunday, we went to singkhaar to buy an engagement gift for Rizwana. We chose her a beautiful set with necklace, teeka and earrings, with matching bangles and a handbag; the idea is that she can choose her waleema suit to match the beautiful sea green shades; (wish I’d photographed it!). After the shopping Uzma and Saeema invited me over for eftar, and we had a fun evening together, despite my knocking out soon after dinner! It was nice to spend time with auntie Sakina; she is almost like a second mother to me, and I love the contented homely feeling I have whenever I visit her!
Last night we had eftar dinner for Rizwana, to celebrate her birthday, and her engagement. It was nice to just chill with the girls; this ramadhan has been a strange one for us all, and as it’s the first eid since Narjiss past away, none of us want to make too much of it for Masooma and her family’s sake. Today, dad took a sick day off work and accompanied me to yet another useless appointment at the headache clinic. In short, they’ve given me yet another drug, which they don’t know will work, with worse side affects than the one before! However, the only positive is, after 3 years of begging, they’ve agreed to the injection treatment I’ve asked for, they are also referring me to a nureau psychologist for pain management; (something I was never told about in my 3 years of battling this hell; and would have shelled out for needlessly were it not for the fact that I mentioned in passing to the consultant I’d arranged to pay privately for NLP!!).
On my return home I had a huge fight with a close friend which wounded me greatly!! I won’t speak of this now as its worthy of a whole other post in its self! But for now, I’ll say that as disability activists in the Muslim community, there is a hell of allot more that needs doing than ever we realised!
Tomorrow, I return to the office, for the first time since I got the news! I have no idea if the next Monday return is still going ahead; if it is, tomorrow may be the day when I am forced to hand in my notice; I can’t believe how crazy my life has become in a matter of days; things were never easy, but they were at least marginally logical; May Allah (SWT) grant me patience, forgiveness and the ability to see method in the madness; I regret how much of ramadhan has been wasted in the stress and fretting of this life of mine, and pray I can extract something beautiful from it, even in these fleeting last few days!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

cute but true!

Uncle Shabs sent this to me today and I just loved it. Aparently its an old forward, but I don’t recall seeing it before! So, my dear readers, given the absance in posts from the tubelight for a while, I leave you all to judge which of the below the old blog might be!! Seriously though; it’s a beautiful reflection on the things that really matter, especially during these last few days of the blessed month of Ramadhan!

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem, Almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, If the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked The students again
If the jar was full.. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
And poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced Two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents Into the jar, effectively
Filling the Empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, As the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that This jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, Friends, and Favourite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
And only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter Like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for The pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time And energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for The things that are
Important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things That are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
To clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
And inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for A couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"
I just did......