So ramadhan came and went, like a beautiful guest who one was just getting to know, but who scuttled off in a puff of pure light before we got too familiar! Each ramadhan, I trundle out an old grundig shortwave radio (analogue), in order to listen to the radio Ramadhan broadcasts! It sits on a shelf in the bedroom and chats away to me while I work on the computer, take a bath or clean around the house. The radio was the vehicle that brought me to Islam via the ramadhan transmissions, and its so much a part of me I take for granted it will just work from one year to the next! I dust off the year long stoor and there you have it; another month-long friendship! Yesterday, while dusting, I put the radio back in the cupboard in the utility room for another year, and had a moment where my blood ran cold, as I wondered if that radio and I would be together next year; one can’t expect to be here from one ramadhan to the next!! So many people left us this year: Narjiss, Auntie Nasreen, Imran Sabir and little Amena, and this doesn’t become any easier, no matter how much time passes by!
So ramadhan left us, bringing the fragrance of eid in her wake! Eid was a bit odd this year; Rizwana and Bushra’s Grandfather past away on eid day, so no one felt much like celebrating. Despite his age, and recent ill health, he had been relatively stable recently, and the death came as a shock to all of us! It was made worse by yet more “wahabi issues!”. This one is worthy of a post on its own, but in short, one of the suni “imams” at Glasgow central mosque, gave a detailed khudba after tarawi prayers, branding all the shia as “kafir”, this meant we could not use the masjid for ghusl, nor for reading the jinaza, thus causing great confusion and limiting the numbers who could attend over at Alkhudah Islamic centre, not to mention causing never ending stress and anguish for an already upset set of relations!
We attended the jinaza, and made our way through the wind and rain to Narjiss’s grave. We placed flowers there, read Fatiha, and spent a few minutes reflecting on the gap she has left in our lives. Sometimes I just want to lay on her grave and cry and ask her why she had to leave us, but flowers of jannah have to return to their heavenly home, in order that they can bloom with ever lasting beauty; not to be found in this world!
At night we all had eid dinner in “big house”, every one was pretty upset and it wasn’t a happy occasion, but we made it as homely as we could for little Zara; In some ways, I think it was a relief to have the first eid done and dusted.
The week that followed was brighter; we had a nice eid dinner at Anees’s, and me, Mas and Neesi had dinner at Nandos on Wednesday for my birthday, but all the work and late nights left me drained out by Thursday, my body was breaking and I simply couldn’t juggle it all. I know that part of this is my new medication, but its largely due to the stress that I know I am still feeling, all be it subconsciously, regarding the boss’s return!
He so far has submitted sick lines till the 6th October, so in short, I’ve a week to hand in my notice, and as yet, no prospect of any other work!
It terrifies me, and I think the fear was largely what lead to a few days hibernation this weekend. As I’ve said many times before, switching off brings its own problems; you detach so much you don’t want to deal with normal life, or else the fear just builds and builds, meaning that not much recharging takes place in reality! The bulk of the weekend went like this; I am 27, doped up on medication, my hair is falling out, I am overweight, unable to get married, (the marriage thing was the result of a rejection by some one else, that I’ve still not got myself over even though it happened in July!).
So, you can see why I don’t want to blog much; I pity the poor **** who actually reads this!
Well; as Zuhair always says; with time comes certainty, and I need to just lay back and live as a mushroom; (you know, living in the dark, till some one showers some crap over you!), oh, and what doesn’t kill you, will only land you up in a mental institution! It really is that easy! Razorblades, any one?