Tuesday, 15 September 2009

The verdict, and other assorted sorrows

My resolve to blog more regularly, with pictures, feelings and fun has fast fallen by the wayside!! There is allot I want to say, allot I could say, but somehow the negative seems to outway the positive, so why the hell would I want to share it? (well what the hell I’m sharing it now).

Last week, the “good ship Inclusion Scotland” (joke!), took ourselves to the Independent Living in Scotland exhibition!! Despite the fact that this exhibition has run every 2 years for the last 15 or so years, I’d never heard of it or been to it in my life!! While mobility scooters and other private sector paraphernalia took up way too much space, it was actually considerably more useful than I expected it to be!! The best part was we got loads of members signed up to the organisation, and our £10 investment in to marketing tools more than paid us back!! I was supposed to only be working there on Wednesday, as Thursday was my first meeting of the hospital waiting times board, but due to the crowd volume at our stand, I was asked to skip it and do Thursday as well! I turned up all bright eyed and bushy tailed, only to be met by a shell shocked Donna, who informed me we had lost the hearing against the manager from hell!! That’s right; my verdict has arrived; they have thrown my case out against him due to lack of evidence. In short, the grievance, the stress over submitting it and the living nightmare of the last year all counted for nothing. Worse still, he is due back to work next Monday!! All that day, I had to sell our organisation and try to steady my nerves just enough to insure I didn’t burst out roaring and crying in front of the assembled visitors!
Part of me was intensely angry at myself for not emotionally preparing myself for this potential outcome, but we were all so sure that we would get the result we know we deserved, and because the directors were for the most part behind me, I let myself drift in to a false sense of security, believing that somehow things would be OK!! I spent the day after at home, licking my woonds, crying; unable to speak. Saturday was laylatil qadr, and although I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and die, friends persuaded me to get up and get on with it!! First, I had to attend a radio interview at radio Awaz, to promote the book launch on the 5th October (whole other story), it went better than expected though, and gave me the boost needed to get the amaal of the sacred night done in a good way!! I slept at 4 AM, at peace in duties well done!! On Sunday, we went to singkhaar to buy an engagement gift for Rizwana. We chose her a beautiful set with necklace, teeka and earrings, with matching bangles and a handbag; the idea is that she can choose her waleema suit to match the beautiful sea green shades; (wish I’d photographed it!). After the shopping Uzma and Saeema invited me over for eftar, and we had a fun evening together, despite my knocking out soon after dinner! It was nice to spend time with auntie Sakina; she is almost like a second mother to me, and I love the contented homely feeling I have whenever I visit her!
Last night we had eftar dinner for Rizwana, to celebrate her birthday, and her engagement. It was nice to just chill with the girls; this ramadhan has been a strange one for us all, and as it’s the first eid since Narjiss past away, none of us want to make too much of it for Masooma and her family’s sake. Today, dad took a sick day off work and accompanied me to yet another useless appointment at the headache clinic. In short, they’ve given me yet another drug, which they don’t know will work, with worse side affects than the one before! However, the only positive is, after 3 years of begging, they’ve agreed to the injection treatment I’ve asked for, they are also referring me to a nureau psychologist for pain management; (something I was never told about in my 3 years of battling this hell; and would have shelled out for needlessly were it not for the fact that I mentioned in passing to the consultant I’d arranged to pay privately for NLP!!).
On my return home I had a huge fight with a close friend which wounded me greatly!! I won’t speak of this now as its worthy of a whole other post in its self! But for now, I’ll say that as disability activists in the Muslim community, there is a hell of allot more that needs doing than ever we realised!
Tomorrow, I return to the office, for the first time since I got the news! I have no idea if the next Monday return is still going ahead; if it is, tomorrow may be the day when I am forced to hand in my notice; I can’t believe how crazy my life has become in a matter of days; things were never easy, but they were at least marginally logical; May Allah (SWT) grant me patience, forgiveness and the ability to see method in the madness; I regret how much of ramadhan has been wasted in the stress and fretting of this life of mine, and pray I can extract something beautiful from it, even in these fleeting last few days!

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