Saturday, 28 November 2009

is it really eid?

Sadly, eid was a bit of a non-starter this year. The last few weeks have been pretty disjointed for me: the new job, poor health (which is something of a regular feature these days), financial pressures and other assorted emotional drains, meant that I was never really in the zone to start with! Then, it all fell apart: I took a blinding migraine yesterday, (no pun intended!!). I went for my ritual acupuncture in the afternoon, which helped to some degree, but the stressed it induced, coupled with all the medication I’d had to consume to keep it at bay, left me exhausted, emotionally tired, mentally empty and extremely depressed! Despite my tiredness, I slept for a total of 3 hours last night, and woke up feeling worse than when I’d fallen asleep. In that condition, the last thing I wanted to do was eid!! Its not the spiritual part that was troubling me: I have written previously about my love for the reflection contained within this festival: it was the social aspect that was troubling me. I’d been asked over by one of my closest friends, her family are like my own family, and have been incredibly good to me! But somehow, I couldn’t face it: Lucky Fatima has written about how she couldn’t be bothered inviting guests this year, and I know I’m not the only one! But its little comfort when I feel so selfish and guilty for not going. I can’t quite explain my reasons: on the surface: I am genuinely not very well, tired and done in: but its more than that: when I’ve been low, very low with illness, I am incredibly self conscious about every thing: and even without being over sensitive, my weight gain means I look truly disgusting in salwar kameez, and there are those within my friend’s family who will make that known to me: joking or not, it still hurts! I figured that eating too much, and stuffing my overweight frame in to a too-tight kameez wasn’t quite the way I wanted to spend my day! Moreover, I have this issue with family at the moment: seeing Muslim families, all together, leaves me feeling so empty: for no matter how close you come to other families, they are still not your own, and there are still huge cross-sections of your being that remain void: and almost certainly will remain so judging by my life’s direction at the moment! Maybe its all me: even as I write this, I feel awkward, and aware of how wretched my words must sound, but this is where I am at, and I have little choice but to go with it for now: after all, why make others miserable when you can just avoid them? I sense a growing separation between those closest to me and myself: I think its about differing directions: like it or not, their direction is set by others, pre-destined and defined: few will fight against it, and even if they don’t like it, they know they are secure! My own life is pretty different! I have no complaints regarding rizq (my creator has been eternally merciful to me), but all the same, the reality is that sometimes, more energy is needed to fight than enjoy: and so when you do finally find some time for yourself, you are done in and just can’t face commonality, life, any thing!
May Allah (SWT) forgive me if I am in the wrong here: but I think this eid and I are destined to vegetate: I remember even when I was married, I’d almost always get ill on eid: one year, I bought a beautiful velvet lehenga to wear on eid day: I was obsessed with that lehenga: from the moment I saw it, I wanted it: eventually persuaded my x-husband to buy it for me, only to get sick and end up wearing it to eid prayer and spending the rest of the day in the bathroom being sick! Happy days!! Ah well: you win some and lose others: guess this one will also be added to the list of those that got away! (BTW, eid mubarak!!).

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