Was just listening to the radio and munching some secret midnight cake!! (as you do!), when I heard an add for a new 99P shop to be opened this Monday on Wembly High Street! “Excellent!”, I hear you cry! Even better when you hear about the free gifts and offers awarded to the first 499 people entering (what did the 500th person ever do to them I wonder!), but! (and here’s the random part!), they will be serving free samosay and pacoray and desi chai from 7 AM!! Who in their right mind (and stomach!), would want to eat samosay for breakfast! Forgive me, but unless you’d done a night shift, or had a night on the tiles would you desire such a start to your morning!
This reminded me of other random issues involving apnay which I thought would bring a smile to your face, or, if you are not familiar with the desi Diaspora, will simply make you go, …, HUH????
Me and Sangeev, (remember Sangeev?), used to make a habit of chatting for 30 minutes or so around 6 AM (before he went to do his breakfast show at the old ‘Asian gold), and we used to always see this apni Auntie, clad in a sari, walking around with a small container of what looked like rice (I later thought it might have been bird seed), and she then proceeded to sprinkle it along King Street while mumbling franticly to herself! (either King Street has become a nature reserve for creatures other than mice and cockroaches, or the rice helps her find her way back!) (its been known!).
I do know that there is such a thing as distance heeling, and I know that technology has worked to bring us closer to one another than ever before! But only a money spinning molvi would have thought of this one: a TV channel (which shall remain nameless), employed a molvi who used to come on every afternoon and run a phone-in programme (callers paid £1 per minute to talk with him), they called in mainly to talk about nazr and related personal/financial difficulties: his advice? Take a bottle of water, and one of oil: sit them in front of the TV, and he’d do ‘dum (bless them) for you!! Nice one! May the force (or the tayl!), be with you!
The last time I was in Birmingham, I actually saw bottles of ‘cow urine, all brightly coloured, complete with pictures, branding and instructions which pertained to using the aforementioned waste product as a medicinal cure for every thing from lice through to hypertension! (sick bucket, any one?)
Finally (my favourite piece of desi randomness of all!), a local desi politician (who again, shall remain nameless!), has just employed a photographer to accompany him to any important events involving more senior celebrities/politicians than himself: the idea being that he can have the photographer picture him next to the unwitting “known” others, and have the pictures displayed in his office/home, giving him an increased sense of self importance, generated by his visitors! (I want some of that man’s ego!). I also learnt recently that this man is referred to by his family members as ‘shaadi wala uncle! The title came from the fact that owing to his status (self proclaimed or not!), he is constantly receiving invitations to desi weddings from those he knows (and those he doesn’t!), their aim: to invite a politician and start the whole ego game for themselves!
Naturally, such a pillar of the community has no time for all these frivolities, so he dishes out the invites to his friends and relations based on their locality, and they get to go along, enjoy a free meal, and do a bit of PR for their favourite uncle! (I guess if you don’t get out much, attending a wedding ceremony for a couple you don’t know beats ‘strictly come dancing any day!).