This final week is passing me by in a strange mix of mania and oblivion! So much to do; so little I can be bothered doing! So many people to see, and so few of them feel worth it!! I don’t know how I got here, certainly, while I love travel, the lead-in time is always something I detest with all my being; the shopping, packing, fretting over health, vaccinations, visas and the like, and combining a marriage with a ziyerat trip is about as crazy as you can get! On top of that, some friends (1 friend in particular, and that too my best friend or so I thought), is acting decidedly strange with me. She met me on Sunday at a common Friend’s house warming, and was incredibly aloof and bitchy!! I don’t know where that came from either! I know I’ve been very stuck in family stuff lately (pensioner care etc), and my health has been pretty rough, plus the depression of unemployment has made me allot less sociable than I’d like to be, but all the same, do I deserve that? Others tell me not to worry, but I do: every one knows I worry, and part of me thinks she is probably getting some sort of perverted pleasure out of making me sad!! Why!! I wonder if it is my marriage? This is reminiscent of how it went the first time around, people I thought would support me, didn’t! I think they felt awkward, embarrassed and, dare I say, sour grapes? After all, lots of “normal”, and more attractive women are still on the shelf: how does a blind woman, with more diseases than a 70-year-old, no job and a divorce behind her, get herself settled! It just isn’t done! People say that major life events such as this display the true colours of another, and perhaps they are right!
And back here, back in the world of travel hysteria, I pack my bags and organise myself as best I can. Reza calls me intermittently, sometimes to tell me beautiful things, like the fact we’ve managed to take an apartment close to the haram in Mashhad for our ziyerat stay, other times to casually tell me that the guest list has doubled without either himself or his parents clocking on! (these conversations are always met with expletives and lots of tears on my part!).
Sometimes it all gets too much, way too overwhelming, like yesterday: I woke early, read fajar and had the day all planned out! I was going to visit the post office and collect a parcel I’d been meaning to lift for weeks! Then get some clothes washed, clean the bathroom and kitchen, and go to majliss in the evening to deposit sadqa and say alvida to a few close friends and my mowlana sahib. Things started well: I collected the packages, came home, did breakfast and a few other paperwork type jobs that needed doing, and then, without warning, just zoned out! I was reading Michael Palin’s diary from ‘around the world in 80 days. I’ve seen all of his travel documentaries, and love them, but this diary is phenomenal! It picks up on so many miniscule details that TV misses out on, and the surreal nature of his incredible journey makes mine seem like a dot on the landscape in comparison, and reading it calms my shattered nerves! So, I started reading, and figured I had a headache. I got up, ate a light meal, took tablets and woke up 15 hours later. When I woke I felt drunk, disorientated and with no recollection of who/what I was, and more importantly what day it was! The result was the masjid didn’t happen (which I’m gutted about), and neither did any thing else on my to-do list! I’ve done some more packing, and am still fretting over a box for my dress; I never would have believed that finding a travel box for clothes would be so dam difficult!! The mania continues! God bless Asifa for inviting me for dinner tonight, I’m looking forward to a laugh, a catch-up and the unique way she always calms me down! And thank God for Michael Palin: every one should read these diaries!