Thursday, 29 December 2011

2011; for the Journey!

Before penning down this post, I took a look over my reflections at the end of 2010. Surprisingly, they were positive thoughts; much more positive than I was feeling at the time! It all goes to show that affirmations; if made with sincerity can come to pass; even if they are not always felt in their entirety straight off! Perhaps this line alone paraphrases much of what has gone on for me in 2011! The blog has been quiet, but my life has been far from it! where to begin with this year; Alhamdulillah I was blessed with the ability to financially support myself, after one of the most terrifying financial struggles I’ve ever known! My job is not exactly stimulating, but it provides a halal income for which I will be eternally grateful. It also gives me enough free time to study, engage in freelance work/activism and the things that matter to me. Reza and I are sadly still not living together, however our visa application has been submitted and we are awaiting our decision from the British Embassy, which is expected in Late February. I appeal to all of you to pray for a good result; this is all the more pivotal given that the British no longer have a presence in Iran, which has affected my own paperwork being processed. If we cannot live together here, our marital future will be in jeopardy so duas are seriously necessary! I travelled to Georgia and to Azerbaijan this year; 2 truly beautiful trips which brought me nothing but joy! I also travelled to London, and was honoured with an achievement award for my work with disabled Muslims by Ahlulbayt TV, something I will truly never be able to put in to words; an honour, and a humbling experience to share a stage with the outstanding personalities who joined me that night! I have got back in to writing, and am fully engaged in my English literature studies. 2011 has brought many great new friends, and a chance to further nurture some sacred and long-standing relationships. My health has been poor, and is not in a good shape at all, but despite the challenges this brings; I feel reasonably strong, loved, supported and able to deal with it.
So; what of 2012. As you know, I’m not really a fan of New Year! however this year I’ve been looking ahead much more than I do normally. Next year, Insha Allah, I will be 30; and whether relevant or not, this feels immensely significant. It feels like a departure from the past, from my twenties, from the early part of my life in to a new faze! I always used to ponder 30 through the trauma of my twenties, thinking that by this juncture I’d be settled, with children, or a good career, strong achievements. Of course; we plan, and Allah plans better than us! However; I feel that the pain of the last few years has indirectly given me a lisence to dwell on my sorrow and my hurt. We all have baggage; and some we ditch and some we carry on, but 2012 has to be the year of rebirth, of letting go, of looking forward and ahead. With time comes certainty; and though I’ve had my time, I have to make certainty happen. Since 2007, I’ve been mourning the loss of someone I believe should still be in my world. They are not in my world, for all kinds of reasons and I must accept this and move on. I must learn to celebrate my successes and turn the failures in to cause to reflect. During my early twenties I had a wealth of personal/professional achievements and I need to cultivate new ones! A person’s value is in what they generate for the universe; and I’ve not yet generated enough! 2012, Insha Allah, will be the year of more writing, of planning and action; and the realisation of projects I’ve only been planning till now. In the chaos of recent months, I realise I haven’t devoted enough time to the blog! This wasn’t just about juggling commitments; it was also because I realised that certain figures from the past are reading this blog, and lets just say I’d rather they didn’t! there is allot I’d like to say, but disclosure to their eyes feels destructive! The blog might well be going private next year; but to all those who follow me and message on a regular basis; you’ll be notified and be given plenty of time to join me on the private blog; and of course you can bring friends and associates; I have no problem with strangers becoming friends over here; but when the past tries to reinvent itself on here; its time to break the cycles!
If we reflect on the economy, the violence, the politics and injustices of the current time, there really wouldn’t be much to look forward to in 2012! However change begins with the circle around you. I’m sure we will each have our own hopes and prayers for 2012; but my prayer for the year has to be; asking Allah for the courage to face truth and falsehood for what they really are. To embrace the truth and not run from it. To love and be loved, to nurture and be nurtured, to learn to give as I receive and to act upon my heart when it calls me to action!
May 2012 be a year of discovery for you all; and grant you the blessings you desire for yourselves! Thank you for travelling with me through the year that has past; and I look forward to hearing more from each of you in 2012.
With peace, love, prayers and all good things!

2 comments:

  1. Turning 29/30 were significant for me, as well. It was a time when I compared all these social ideas of where I was supposed to be in life and where I actually was. Marriage and kids were big issues. All the dreams and optimism of youth seemed folly. It is amazing how time goes by and nothing changes, you're a year older but that doesn't mean you make progress if you hold yourself up to these imaginary societal timelines and definitions of how or what we're supposed to be. As I got into my 30's, most hope of marriage evaporated because my age was no longer of appeal to anyone without so many warning signs or complications to stay away from. And I also became more settled, less willing to throw up my life for a man I didn't know really well. So time passes on.
    I hope the visa situation works out for you this year, sincerely!

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  2. My prayers with you, like always.
    I lost track of the new year, and was made to realize this shift of digits only when I was setting my alarm and reminders in the final hour of 31st December, and later when I was reading a verse by Rumi that reminded me that the new year has arrived.
    You don't need to carry anything, honestly, life is all too short for all this. Rumi says something I love:

    Arise, O son! burst thy bonds and be free!
    How long wilt thou be captive to silver and gold?
    (Masnavi-e-Ma'anavi, book 1, Rumi)

    I still have sometime to turn 30, but these digits are losing their meanings now... When I talk to my 42 year old sister, I feel we're the same age. On Hajj, a scholar told me that I have strong imaginations, and advised me to guard them and use them wisely and to stay away from any 'dark imaginings'. Though I like to write the whole poem, it is all too relevant to your post, but would just post this excerpt:

    "Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."

    I just wish you a lot of happiness and complete contentment, and no grief but that of Hussain a.s.'s.

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